Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Sometimes the Heroes are as Bad as the Villains

So yeah, you remember back in the day when you got dumped by that girl you liked back in high school, or last month, and you said to your self, "Man I am such an idiot, I'll never get near a girl as stacked as her again, unless...unless I can pull off the perfect plan to get her back!"

Don't act like you were never there. We have all been there. I still have the scars to prove it.

Sometimes this happens to superheroes. They, are often lonely, idiot,horny morons, in a sense, like we were and when their popularity is on the wane OR when they just have a bit of a chemical imbalance in the logic centers of the brain, they can really do some dumb shit.

Take Tony Stark for example.

Here's a synopsis of Civil War, in case you didn't read it.

So some heroes blew up a suburb and the government said this hero shit was outta control. Thay asked all the heroes to unmask and register with the feds or retire/go into forced retirement.

Then Reed Richards, Tony Stark, Hank Pym and some other soon tobe flattened folks shot the Hulk into outer space.

Tony Stark as Iron Man, all jets ablaze, said, "Cool, I'm down with whatever the man wants to do. After all, I supply "The Man" with weapons and have made a lot of money doing that. We should just come clean. I reveal my secret identity at least once a year and it's never hurt me."

Spiderman, being written like a boob, says,"For the last 2 years I've been hanging with the Avengers and now I have cool kids as friends soooo, sure I can unmask."

Captain America says, "This is some bullshit, son!" and punches Iron Man in the mouth.

What basically ensues is everyone who wants to go and work for a jerk, goes over to Iron Man's side.

Everyone who would also like to punch Tony Stark in the mouth joins Captain America.

Now basically from the outset, Tony Stark knows he has screwed up. Most of the cool heroes went with Cap. He could do the right thing and just fight his little war with the guys he does have like Wonderman and the Wasp but noooooo, he doesn't really want to do that.

HE decides he can really impress the ladies when he reveals his biggest, jerkiest plan EVER!!!


And then, juuuust like in high school, it allll went to hell.
well technically it would get worse because Tony Stark is now a bigger dick than Hamk Pym and Brainiac 5 combined...

This is Hamk Pym as Yellow Jacket, his jerkiest persona of them all. He may have beaten his wife while wearing this thing.

Hank Pym made a killer robot named Ultron that always tries to kill the Avengers.

Brainiac 5 made a robot named Computo that killed 1/3rd of Triplicate Girl.
It wasn't so bad. Eventually they named a new teammate after Computo AND Triplicate Girl still had 2/3rds of herself left.

See, people, now Bill Foster is all dead and thang. They buried him in a giant grave in a giant tarp. That is no way for a "C"list Black Hero with highly dirivitive powers and a dirivative name to go. You name a guy Black Goliath and there is no way you expect him to get killed fighting an an ass stomping clone of the God of Thunder himself.

Fools was all surprised and what not but really, what the hell did they expect to happen. They were being led by Tony f'n Stark. The man piloted the Iron Man suit drunk. Would you trust your life to a billionaire who essentially flies a stealth fighter for fun, while drunk? Bill Foster didn't either. he knew something was up and then the Clone thing happened...

I did some stupid stuff to be popular back in the day but I never got a 50 foot black man killed by a clone.

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