Friday, June 24, 2011

DC Relaunch: The Bat-Network

If all the pals of Batman had their own searchlight signals, the skies over Gotham would look like Vegas!

Batwing by Judd Winnick and Ben Oliver

TF: I’m glad later press releases narrowed this down to a fictional city in the Congo rather than “The Batman of Africa.” I hear that place is pretty big.

DM: I don’t give a shit. The “Press” can kiss my ass for pretending they care if Africa is a big or small place at all. In one fucking month, Batman can have his ass in Gotham, Metropolis, Vegas, Spain, Mexico, Japan and the god damn moon. This Batwing guy has a fictional city because if he didn’t, he’s have a hovering base over Mt. Kilimanjaro and would get everywhere in Africa by teleporting and would solve it’s problems in a year, making Bruce Wayne look like a waspish slacker. Fuck the “Press”.

TF: I know there’s only one writer I’d trust with the “hovering over Kilimanjaro” angle. But unfortunately Bob Haney is dead.

DM: Wait! Morrison put his Ultramarines there didn’t he? Then Grodd ate them. Black folks forgot to get angry and complain. So did vegetarians.

Red Hood and the Outlaws by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort

TF: Wow, you can’t swing a dead cat in here without hitting an angry sidekick--oh sorry, Speedy.

DM: Well I think this is meant to have that WildStorm like feel. It’s the only reason you include Starfire. I Can see Red Arrow hanging out with Red Hood but there are other angry also ran side kicks they could use, right?

TF: Absolutely. All-new, all-deadly versions of Wing, Dan the Dyna-Mite, and Little Boy Blue.

DM: If the JSA still existed, I know they’d use Ted Grant’s Wildcat kid. If this were a WildStom title we’d just be missing some feral cat dude with claws and a killer robot-demon. Technically maybe that’s Starfire, who also gets to be the hot, angry, space babe. She’ll have a katana to use by issue #7.

TF: Doesn’t Lobdell have the Teen Titans also?

DM: Yeah. Cross that bridge when you need to set it on fire with me in a few days.

Nightwing by Kyle Higgins and Eddie Barrows

TF: Take 2 steps back, Dick Grayson!

DM: Sigh...To be honest we all knew it was coming. The online casual readership doesn’t know fuck all about there being 2 Batmen running around. It’s just confusing to them. He goes back to being Nightwing. At least they didn’t kill him after making him one of the best characters of the last 10 years. I’m looking at you Marvel.

TF: I know, I can’t believe Marvel killed the Sentry either.

DM: Well...or Ares, the guy who killed the Sentry for that matter...

Batgirl by Gail Simone and Adrian Syaf

TF: Barbara Gordon walking again can only mean one thing: DC finally figured out they can kill Stephanie Brown a second time!

DM: No they haven’t. They don’t need anymore hate mail from the very audience they want to draw back to comics...wait...DC isn’t trying to draw girls who started reading comics Circa Y: The Last Man #1, back to comics. They are trying to attract a crowd that’s 18 - 35...which would be too young to have remembered the last time Barbara Gordon was Batgirl. Honestly, if you told anyone that the Joker had a) killed a Robin and b) crippled a Batgirl, they’d have to wonder why Batman a) didn’t just throw him in front of a train...accidentally and b) why he bothered with plucky teenagers.

TF: I’ve seen people ask you that question. You hurl a copy of Brat Pack at them.

DM: I will say this to all the people who think Oracle was the best character ever and her disability had nothing to do with why you liked her so much because you really were just into the character because she was so strong. Thank you in advance for continuing to support Gail Simone as a writer and Barbara Gordon as a character. Remember, Damian’s back was fixed in an issue after the Joker crippled him.

TF: If comics were supposed to make sense Bruce would remember where he put Shondra Kinsolving and SHE could cure Oracle.

DM: Barbara is smart and strong as shit. She can just acquire a suit that helps her physically and with her computer stuff. There. She’s then like bad ass super connected Oracle AND she’s in the field doing what she loved best, kicking ass just like everyone else. People with all sorts of disabilities, who buy comics, should be damn proud to be a fan of hers.

Catwoman by Judd Winnick and Guillem March

DM: I’m not sure what has to happen but I can’t think of anything that makes me want to buy a Catwoman comic when it lacks the names Brubaker or Cooke.

TF: I’m a little surprised the 90s Time Machine didn’t come back with Jim Balent.

Birds of Prey by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz

TF: I guess we can forget all the sociopathic killing stuff Poison Ivy used to do here in The New DC. What have we got here...Black Canary, Mecha-Katana I guess, that Amazon Grace with the tattoo sleeve?

DM: I think so but we may have to wait til the book ships for confirmation. I like the lineup. It’s what I always liked about the Birds. One day a bunch of Kick Ass DC Chicks get together and have Tom Clancy like fun. What’s not to like?

TF: You know, it’s been more than 10 years since the last revamp of Black Orchid. Somehow nobody ever thought to put her in Birds of Prey?

DM: I see, you’re gonna treat this like Girl Thunderbolts right off the bat?

TF: But disguise is her thing!

DM: No one in BoP needs a disguise. They need to be themselves and crash through skylights. It’s missing Manhunter and Big Barda.

TF: Orchid’s a master of disguise AND she’s punched out Superman, so she’s better than those two combined. This isn’t rocket botany.

DM: And turned into a race of plant people or something and she’s not going to be in this book. I’d rather see more people named after birds and shit than some character the 70’s forgot that even Vertigo decided it was best to just let lay around. If you want Black Orchid, call Rick Veitch. He’ll writer her, it’ll be great, DC will get sued for something and she’ll go away again.

TF: I’m going to read this and imagine every background character is actually Black Orchid in disguise.

DM: No you aren’t. You want Black Orchid in a book you have no intention of reading just so you can declare that DC is doing it all wrong when they forget she punched out Superman. Because Orchids are Kryptonian Tough. Let it go. They’d be better off with Arrowette...Speedy...Red &Yellow Arrow Kid...or whatever her name would be once she graduates from “damaged sidekick” to “former damaged sidekick on borrowed time”.

Batwoman by those late people

TF: I stand corrected--I was also buying Rucka & Williams’ Batwoman. That said, I’m encouraged by the rumors at bleedingcool that she’s actually Black Orchid in disguise. (spoiler)

DM: You know there was only one issue of that right? This is where I see the bottleneck in DiDio claiming all books will ship on time.

TF: Well, Mr. Williams III has had an extra few months to get ready.

DM: He does comics on a schedule similar to the one Sid Vicious used for wrestling.

TF: JHWIII is active less often than Eclipso.

DM: JHWIII does comics on a schedule similar to the early acting career of Robert Downey Jr. But I assume sober.

DM: JHWIII has turned “Travis Charest” in to a verb.

TF: Fans, please contribute your ideas to Twitter, care of #JHWilliamsIsSoLate

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate Christian Alamy has a shrine to him in his basement.

TF: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate He told Brian Bolland to slow it down.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate He was rejected as a fill in artist for Battle Chasers.

TF: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate He’s working on the box art for Duke Nukem Forever.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate His variant cover for Fell #10 was turned down.

TF: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate David Finch is making #JHWilliamsIsSoLate jokes.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate Alan Moore is mad iffy about letting him work on Big Numbers.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate Final Crisis still made sense when he started Batwoman #1

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate DC scrapped plans for the Batwoman Forever series that would have shown what the 2nd issue would have been like if he were on time.

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