Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Ok look, most of you are not reading OR BUYING Spider-Man comics these days and you haven't been for some time so after reading the stupid comments from the general public and the poorly written stories from the media in general, I'd like to explain things to you in the most basic form possible.

I lack sock puppets so here goes this.

The Contents of Comic Books are not real. They are just stuff written on stuff to talk about stuff.

Some cool people like stuff.

Marvel Comics is a company in the business of making comic books. I have already spoken as to the nature of where comic books fit into things that are real but I'll elaborate for the racists who are probably reading this, not knowing they've pissed me off.

Things that count in science (and are not theoretical):

People: Einstein, Newton and Hawking for example

Places: CERN, Pangea, Easter Island and Madame Currie's Lab.

Things: Bricks, Dolphins, Ice Cream, Sushi, Lesbians and the paper that makes comic books.

Things that science nerds like but may or not be real/possible:

Alternate Universes, Dark Matter and Time Travel, the contents of comic books (depending on your level of socialization)

Things that science would tell you are real:

Matter, Energy, Emotions of Stupid Mother Fuckers who don't buy comics

Now then, Marvel Comics as a company have created several alternate universes. For all intents and purposes lets call the one where Spider-Man is alive and still white, the M616 universe. This is how comic book fans think of it.

The Spider-Man you saw in movies and TV is not the M616 universe. Those were movies and TV and the people who make that stuff think not very much about what nerds think. They love their bank accounts more than they love your comic book continuity.

One of the universes that Marvel Comics created went through some major upheaval recently and because it's fairly new and NOT the main universe, this is ok. Let us call this universe MU2000 (Marvel Ultimate 2000) since 2000 was about the year this universe was created.

We have come to a point where Peter Parker in the MU2000 universe is dead as a doornail but the M616 Peter Parker is STILL alive and white (I state the latter because that matters to some of you idiots).


Now we know there just happen to be some people out there in the world who can't stand when something from their childhood changes or goes away. For this reason I think we still have things like all the stuff from the childhood of anyone 35-105 that folks haven't gotten over to the tune of giving something new a chance because their racist and withered hearts are full of poo.

For those of you with poo in your hearts, you blow BUT generally the M616 universe is still there for you. Peter Parker is alive and well and he's doing stuff.

Here he is:

Lets be honest, there's a white man under that mask for damn sure.

Now, knock yourselves out.

Now, as Spider-Man goes, I don't really care because I'm not that big a fan BUT I do care that assholes run to the damn internets anytime they hear that a fictitious White person has bought the farm, only to have a similarly fictitious Black/Hispanic person pick up the mantle. The bigot rage is so strong sometimes that you'd think a comic book company was about to have an encounter with a iceberg ala Titanic and sink into an ocean of ill thought out futurism.

In reality if Glen Beck (who bitched and blamed this all on Michelle Obama) and the majority of you racist jag bags out in internet land actually spent money on half the shit you showed indignation about, the world would come closer to resembling your world view. It does not because you are assholes and the universe hates you. You also have ugly feet.

Ok to summarize. Spider-Man is only "Black-Spanic" in an alternate univere of a thing that is also not real.

Comic books, while not being real, are still composed of matter and the energy contained within is still great, especially when a bunch of racist ass goblins decide they'll leave my favorite hobby to me and my friends.

For the record, I count among my friends the following types of people:

Aliens, illegal or otherwise
a Libertarian
Some dumb folks
Smart folks
This one chick from Germany
Some kids from Jersey
The Jewish Girl from Texas
Small Town girls who love beer
People with feelings
People in recovery
Pro comic book artists
Less than pro comic book artists
My Sister with lupus
My Sister who likes jean skirts
Radio personalities
Sports radio listeners
Believers in the Power of Metal
Some Haters
and anyone who reads this and knows where I'm coming from.

If you can't accept that Spider-Man can be brown in some other made up universe then you are an ass and when you move to Asslandia, we will not miss you.

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