First of all, thanks to Terry, Thad and Joey for letting me add additional creative to their blog's content. I've known these three men for quite a while, and they're good men all. In return for their generosity, I'm going to contribute to this blog on occasion (at least until they angrily kick me off) about comics related items.
Who am I? Who is "F. Fredrick Skitty"? Some of you who are on the "I'm Dropping this Stinking Book" newsgroup know me as the angry guy who's John's brother and who doesn't like very many comics. Others of you who've never heard of me before can expect to be routinely shocked and appalled by my combative declamations against various artists and writers who have upset me by their piss-poor attempts at comics.
(Originally Joey, Terry and Thad wanted me to have the user handle "The I Hate Comics Guy", but I felt that "F. Fredrick Skitty" had more dignity.)
But don't go thinking you can pigeonhole me as the guy who doesn't like any comics at all. Oh no no, that's not me. I do like comics, very much. I've written several myself and if I'm bored I may post a couple of pictures from them to prove it.
Infrequently, however, my senses are assaulted by certain terrible comics and comics related material (television and movies) and it makes me so angry that I have to punch a wall. Then I angrily punch the computer keyboard, imagining that it's the head of the terrible writer or artist who has offended me, and this is the result.
My first post will be something I wrote back on May 10th, right after I'd seen Spiderman 3 for the first time. I suppose it's kind of moot, now, since the movie's been seen by everyone in existence, but don't let you stop that from reading this delightful review.
And now, here is my review:
I saw Spiderman 3 on Monday and I'll tell you to save your money. Save your money and your time because you'll never get it back and you'll regret it.
Most of all, that movie was a thuggish betrayal. It's hard to think a movie could be worse than the first Batman, but Raimi and his five or six brothers who worked on the production crew (and fluffer duties) managed to pull it off. What my brain still refuses to accept is that the movie was green-lighted, written, directed and produced by full grown men.
Pay no attention to the much flaunted advertising phrase "140 million dollars opening weekend." Columbia Pictures is throwing that phrase around to make you think you're missing out on something. All that phrase means is that they've duped 1.4 million people into seeing a worthless piece of crap.
The movie's main intent was to entertain seven year olds. Dumb seven year olds, actually; the ones who even at that lively age still don't seem to "get it". These are the seven year olds who remain shocked into amazed silence at video tapes featuring earthmoving equipment and heavy machinery. Sam Raimi was once one of those doughy seven year olds, and he has somehow retained his dull childlike sense of "awesome" well into his sixties. Much good may it do him.
The secondary intent of the movie was to demonstrate Raimi's withering contempt for his audience, and in this he succeeded. Raimi resents, no doubt, his continued inability to understand even the simplest concepts conveyed in the original Ditko comics. Jealous at the ability and talent of others, his spite for all of their accomplishments is evident in each frame.
Walking home after seeing that tripe, I thought to myself "That movie is Scrappy Doo." But that thought didn't convey the unpleasant averageness and the sick-making mediocrity of that film. I tried again with "That movie is Uni the Unicorn from the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon." Closer, but not quite there.
Finally, I hit on this phrase: "That movie is Rodney King, high on crack and driving his car 90 miles an hour through a school zone."
I hope you have enjoyed my movie review. Don't see that film.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Skating in the Name of Evil: Number 2
Jack Kirby's Female Furies are legends in the field of goofy villainy. The starting 4--Lashina, Stompa, Mad Harriet, and Bernadeth--are well known to New Gods fans.
But it's the benchwarmers (most of whom were not created by Kirby) are largely forgotten. They were Gilotina, Artemiz, Malice Vundabar, Bloody Mary, and today's hall of famer:
SPEED QUEEN. Equipped with tank-tread skates, and clearly trying to out-do Stompa in the butchness department. You can just picture her in the break room at Granny Goodness's orphanage rolling up to Stompa and saying "So...HOW MUCH YA BENCH?!!"
But it's the benchwarmers (most of whom were not created by Kirby) are largely forgotten. They were Gilotina, Artemiz, Malice Vundabar, Bloody Mary, and today's hall of famer:
SPEED QUEEN. Equipped with tank-tread skates, and clearly trying to out-do Stompa in the butchness department. You can just picture her in the break room at Granny Goodness's orphanage rolling up to Stompa and saying "So...HOW MUCH YA BENCH?!!"
Monday, May 21, 2007
How I can Solve the Iraq Crisis with my D and D Group
You know what’s been bothering me about the Iraq War? I think its being badly mismanaged on all fronts. A nation that can put a man on the moon before the advent of 1st Edition Dungeons and Dragons, ought to be able to win a war in the desert no matter who started it or how trumped up the reason was.
It no longer matters who attacked who and who won “Initiative”. All that matters now is that there are Experience Points to be gained for our boys and they must be supported.
This shouldn’t be that hard…
Why can't the army just send in a team of adventures with a few 12th level Clerics and a 10th level Mage or two. The Clerics can cast flame strike AND cure the 8th level Rangers they are sending in + they can wear armor that's good for deflecting small arms fire. The Mages can cast “Cloudkill” which will take care of any conscripted Axis of Evil mooks that neo-Sadaam can send out there and at 10th level, that's like a maxed out fireball waiting to happen.
The Rangers we send could have Favored Enemy: “the Poor”, and just wade in there and beat ass. They'd get like at least 3 attacks every 6 seconds. In melee, that's pretty good especially if they have some enchanted weapons or at least the shit they give to Navy Seals.
This war would be over in no time.
The party goes in using identities created for them by the Rogues on the team who have levels in the Spy Master Prestige class and then they hit a bar and wait for it to get all Fullujah or something. Take a desert Barbarian or two with you.
I suggest Half American, Half Turk. The Turks are still pissed about a whole lot of shit and then when they rage, they will be getting critical hits on Insurgents left and right. I also suggest at least one 7th level Desert Druid. Someone cool like that dude from the mummy. It's a sure bet that the insurgents will have some of those Palestinian cats who can't wait to blow some shit up with IEDs and you may need someone who can summon a “Dire Camel” with horns and a trample attack just to kill that noise. I'd suggest 4 armed monkeys with Machetes but I don't think druids can summon them. The wizards could but they'd be too busy casting “Evard’s Black Tentacles” in the town square.
This whole war is some bull shit. Let me DM it and it's fucking over and Wired Magazine can get back to showing me the flying car of the fucking future. It runs on garbage like lawn cuttings and orange peels and shit. Right now they have stories about the “Weapons of the Future” and what not. We need “Weapons of the Past” like “Vorpal Swords of Sharpness” and that bad ass “Sun Blade” from the “Ravenloft” adventure back in 2nd Edition D and D. I bet if Colin Powell had a “+3 Sword of Wounding”, he’d be knee deep in sand right now beating ass and building an infrastructure my children could take advantage of someday.
I also promise that when the “Brave Companions” or the “51st Airborne Arcane Knights” or whatever, get to...wherever it is that the treasure that “W” is looking for is, there would be some cool shit there. Sure, they'd have to fight like a “Marilith” or two along the way and probably a Rakshasa (or maybe Djinn since we strive to be ethnically sensitive) but there'd still be decent swag to haul out. None of this oil type shit or bolts of cloth and artistic treasures. We already have a system for getting that out with just standard conquered city looting tactics.
I'm talking about Artifacts like the “Hand of Vecna” or the “Machine of Lum the Mad” or a “Staff of Ancient Penumbra.”
If “W” isn't running the war like that (and it looks like he isn’t) then really, folks should just hire a Dungeon Master who will and be done with it. American cannot afford to take critical hit after critical hit and fail saving throw after saving throw. It’s time the game were run by folks who could get us results and have our boys back home and in therapy by GenCon, like my Saturday D and D group.
It no longer matters who attacked who and who won “Initiative”. All that matters now is that there are Experience Points to be gained for our boys and they must be supported.
This shouldn’t be that hard…
Why can't the army just send in a team of adventures with a few 12th level Clerics and a 10th level Mage or two. The Clerics can cast flame strike AND cure the 8th level Rangers they are sending in + they can wear armor that's good for deflecting small arms fire. The Mages can cast “Cloudkill” which will take care of any conscripted Axis of Evil mooks that neo-Sadaam can send out there and at 10th level, that's like a maxed out fireball waiting to happen.
The Rangers we send could have Favored Enemy: “the Poor”, and just wade in there and beat ass. They'd get like at least 3 attacks every 6 seconds. In melee, that's pretty good especially if they have some enchanted weapons or at least the shit they give to Navy Seals.
This war would be over in no time.
The party goes in using identities created for them by the Rogues on the team who have levels in the Spy Master Prestige class and then they hit a bar and wait for it to get all Fullujah or something. Take a desert Barbarian or two with you.
I suggest Half American, Half Turk. The Turks are still pissed about a whole lot of shit and then when they rage, they will be getting critical hits on Insurgents left and right. I also suggest at least one 7th level Desert Druid. Someone cool like that dude from the mummy. It's a sure bet that the insurgents will have some of those Palestinian cats who can't wait to blow some shit up with IEDs and you may need someone who can summon a “Dire Camel” with horns and a trample attack just to kill that noise. I'd suggest 4 armed monkeys with Machetes but I don't think druids can summon them. The wizards could but they'd be too busy casting “Evard’s Black Tentacles” in the town square.
This whole war is some bull shit. Let me DM it and it's fucking over and Wired Magazine can get back to showing me the flying car of the fucking future. It runs on garbage like lawn cuttings and orange peels and shit. Right now they have stories about the “Weapons of the Future” and what not. We need “Weapons of the Past” like “Vorpal Swords of Sharpness” and that bad ass “Sun Blade” from the “Ravenloft” adventure back in 2nd Edition D and D. I bet if Colin Powell had a “+3 Sword of Wounding”, he’d be knee deep in sand right now beating ass and building an infrastructure my children could take advantage of someday.
I also promise that when the “Brave Companions” or the “51st Airborne Arcane Knights” or whatever, get to...wherever it is that the treasure that “W” is looking for is, there would be some cool shit there. Sure, they'd have to fight like a “Marilith” or two along the way and probably a Rakshasa (or maybe Djinn since we strive to be ethnically sensitive) but there'd still be decent swag to haul out. None of this oil type shit or bolts of cloth and artistic treasures. We already have a system for getting that out with just standard conquered city looting tactics.
I'm talking about Artifacts like the “Hand of Vecna” or the “Machine of Lum the Mad” or a “Staff of Ancient Penumbra.”
If “W” isn't running the war like that (and it looks like he isn’t) then really, folks should just hire a Dungeon Master who will and be done with it. American cannot afford to take critical hit after critical hit and fail saving throw after saving throw. It’s time the game were run by folks who could get us results and have our boys back home and in therapy by GenCon, like my Saturday D and D group.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Skating in the Name of Evil: Number 3
The majority of roller skating comic book characters debuted in the 70s, and today's subject is no exception. Meet Blue Streak, a recruit for the short-lived team called the Super-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Fellow members included Quasar and Texas Twister. Turns out Blue was a double agent selling out our country for a paycheck from the sinister Corporation. Me, I think he just didn't want to be on the same team as Texas Twister.
In the 80s he got a rad new costume that was faster than Captain America's motorbike. Then he was bumped off by a supervillain whose gimmick was killing lame-ass supervillains. Blue Streak is third on this list because the other two didn't get killed by that dude.
Skater Heroes Hall of Fame: Number 1
In Mick Foley's first book (bear with me here), he relates an anecdote about Diamond Dallas Page. After years as a pro wrestling manager, and at the age of 36, Page had started to make a go of it as an actual in-ring wrestler in WCW. Foley was having a conversation about Page with wrestling legend Abdullah the Butcher. While Foley had his doubts about Page's career, Abdullah was certain Page would go far in the business, because "he lives his gimmick, brah. He lives his gimmick."
Skateman only appeared one time.
Just a few months into his career, Night Thrasher started using his skateboard less and less.
But Dazzler?
Dazzler was commited to those goddam mirrored disco-ball skates.
She skated against Dr. Doom.
She skated against the Hulk.
She even skated against Galactus. Galactus was unimpressed, since he once coated a dude in silver and made him fly through the void on a boogie board. Galactus knows from fabulous.
Next time: Those who skate for EVIL.
Skateman only appeared one time.
Just a few months into his career, Night Thrasher started using his skateboard less and less.
But Dazzler?
Dazzler was commited to those goddam mirrored disco-ball skates.
She skated against Dr. Doom.
She skated against the Hulk.
She even skated against Galactus. Galactus was unimpressed, since he once coated a dude in silver and made him fly through the void on a boogie board. Galactus knows from fabulous.
Next time: Those who skate for EVIL.
Skater Heroes Hall of Fame: Number 2
Night Thrasher! In the 90's he led the New Warriors, which were Marvel's answer to the Teen Titans. He was like the team's Batman & Robin rolled into one, except he was blacker, angrier, and rode on a skateboard.
Most skateboarders were content to gleam the cube on the smooth pavement of skate parks. Not Night Tharasher. He skated through rubble and explosions. Have you ever skated through a pile of rubble? You can't. Night Thasher can. And why? I figure he spent his billions making one of those flying skateboards just like in Back to the Future 2. It ran on banana peels and beer, and the wheels were just for show. Because that's how he (doesn't) roll.
True fact: A few years ago, Night Thrasher was optioned as a prime-time tv series. According to the pitch, he would have been a young hip-hop entrepeneur who fought crime, probably with the help of some nerdy asian dude in a van who made all his gadgets and stuff. And his arch enemy would probably have been Richie Whiteman. But one thing's for sure, he would not have had a skateboard. Because nobody in Hollywood has ever seen a brother skate.
Most skateboarders were content to gleam the cube on the smooth pavement of skate parks. Not Night Tharasher. He skated through rubble and explosions. Have you ever skated through a pile of rubble? You can't. Night Thasher can. And why? I figure he spent his billions making one of those flying skateboards just like in Back to the Future 2. It ran on banana peels and beer, and the wheels were just for show. Because that's how he (doesn't) roll.
True fact: A few years ago, Night Thrasher was optioned as a prime-time tv series. According to the pitch, he would have been a young hip-hop entrepeneur who fought crime, probably with the help of some nerdy asian dude in a van who made all his gadgets and stuff. And his arch enemy would probably have been Richie Whiteman. But one thing's for sure, he would not have had a skateboard. Because nobody in Hollywood has ever seen a brother skate.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Skater Heroes Hall of Fame: Number 3
Skating superheroes are a rare breed. Fighting crime in tights demands a certain amount of courage to begin with, but to add roller skates to the ensemble? That's going the extra mile. The third greatest skater hero only appeared once, otherwise he would have scored much higher.
Skateman ("Ayee! Dios mio! Es Skateman!!!") has already been the subject of much analysis on teh intarweb, and quite honestly nothing I write could complete with this, from another blog (with the same template as us!). However, I cannot overstress the beauty of "Hands off, jerk hole! We're forming a union! MY FOOT AND YOUR FACE!"
I read that in my impressionable teenage years, and it's something I say in traffic at least once a week. Try it at home!
Skateman ("Ayee! Dios mio! Es Skateman!!!") has already been the subject of much analysis on teh intarweb, and quite honestly nothing I write could complete with this, from another blog (with the same template as us!). However, I cannot overstress the beauty of "Hands off, jerk hole! We're forming a union! MY FOOT AND YOUR FACE!"
I read that in my impressionable teenage years, and it's something I say in traffic at least once a week. Try it at home!
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