THIS IS THE SPIDERMAN OF COLOR: Now go away!

Ok look, most of you are not reading OR BUYING Spider-Man comics these days and you haven't been for some time so after reading the stupid comments from the general public and the poorly written stories from the media in general, I'd like to explain things to you in the most basic form possible.

I lack sock puppets so here goes this.

The Contents of Comic Books are not real. They are just stuff written on stuff to talk about stuff.

Some cool people like stuff.


Marvel Comics is a company in the business of making comic books. I have already spoken as to the nature of where comic books fit into things that are real but I'll elaborate for the racists who are probably reading this, not knowing they've pissed me off.

Things that count in science (and are not theoretical):

People: Einstein, Newton and Hawking for example

Places: CERN, Pangea, Easter Island and Madame Currie's Lab.

Things: Bricks, Dolphins, Ice Cream, Sushi, Lesbians and the paper that makes comic books.

Things that science nerds like but may or not be real/possible:

Alternate Universes, Dark Matter and Time Travel, the contents of comic books (depending on your level of socialization)

Things that science would tell you are real:

Matter, Energy, Emotions of Stupid Mother Fuckers who don't buy comics


Now then, Marvel Comics as a company have created several alternate universes. For all intents and purposes lets call the one where Spider-Man is alive and still white, the M616 universe. This is how comic book fans think of it.

The Spider-Man you saw in movies and TV is not the M616 universe. Those were movies and TV and the people who make that stuff think not very much about what nerds think. They love their bank accounts more than they love your comic book continuity.

One of the universes that Marvel Comics created went through some major upheaval recently and because it's fairly new and NOT the main universe, this is ok. Let us call this universe MU2000 (Marvel Ultimate 2000) since 2000 was about the year this universe was created.

We have come to a point where Peter Parker in the MU2000 universe is dead as a doornail but the M616 Peter Parker is STILL alive and white (I state the latter because that matters to some of you idiots).

THIS IS THE SPIDER-MAN of MU2000





Now we know there just happen to be some people out there in the world who can't stand when something from their childhood changes or goes away. For this reason I think we still have things like all the stuff from the childhood of anyone 35-105 that folks haven't gotten over to the tune of giving something new a chance because their racist and withered hearts are full of poo.

For those of you with poo in your hearts, you blow BUT generally the M616 universe is still there for you. Peter Parker is alive and well and he's doing stuff.

Here he is:



Lets be honest, there's a white man under that mask for damn sure.

Now, knock yourselves out.

Now, as Spider-Man goes, I don't really care because I'm not that big a fan BUT I do care that assholes run to the damn internets anytime they hear that a fictitious White person has bought the farm, only to have a similarly fictitious Black/Hispanic person pick up the mantle. The bigot rage is so strong sometimes that you'd think a comic book company was about to have an encounter with a iceberg ala Titanic and sink into an ocean of ill thought out futurism.

In reality if Glen Beck (who bitched and blamed this all on Michelle Obama) and the majority of you racist jag bags out in internet land actually spent money on half the shit you showed indignation about, the world would come closer to resembling your world view. It does not because you are assholes and the universe hates you. You also have ugly feet.

Ok to summarize. Spider-Man is only "Black-Spanic" in an alternate univere of a thing that is also not real.

Comic books, while not being real, are still composed of matter and the energy contained within is still great, especially when a bunch of racist ass goblins decide they'll leave my favorite hobby to me and my friends.

For the record, I count among my friends the following types of people:

Blacks
Whites
Asians
Aliens, illegal or otherwise
Gays
Dems
Reps
a Libertarian
Some dumb folks
Smart folks
Scientists
This one chick from Germany
Geeks
Nerds
Some kids from Jersey
The Jewish Girl from Texas
Small Town girls who love beer
People with feelings
People in recovery
Pro comic book artists
Less than pro comic book artists
My Sister with lupus
My Sister who likes jean skirts
Radio personalities
Sports radio listeners
Catholics
Pagans
Travelers
Homebodies
Knitters
Boozers
Believers in the Power of Metal
Some Haters
and anyone who reads this and knows where I'm coming from.

If you can't accept that Spider-Man can be brown in some other made up universe then you are an ass and when you move to Asslandia, we will not miss you.

DC Relaunch: The Bat-Network

If all the pals of Batman had their own searchlight signals, the skies over Gotham would look like Vegas!

Batwing by Judd Winnick and Ben Oliver

TF: I’m glad later press releases narrowed this down to a fictional city in the Congo rather than “The Batman of Africa.” I hear that place is pretty big.

DM: I don’t give a shit. The “Press” can kiss my ass for pretending they care if Africa is a big or small place at all. In one fucking month, Batman can have his ass in Gotham, Metropolis, Vegas, Spain, Mexico, Japan and the god damn moon. This Batwing guy has a fictional city because if he didn’t, he’s have a hovering base over Mt. Kilimanjaro and would get everywhere in Africa by teleporting and would solve it’s problems in a year, making Bruce Wayne look like a waspish slacker. Fuck the “Press”.

TF: I know there’s only one writer I’d trust with the “hovering over Kilimanjaro” angle. But unfortunately Bob Haney is dead.

DM: Wait! Morrison put his Ultramarines there didn’t he? Then Grodd ate them. Black folks forgot to get angry and complain. So did vegetarians.

Red Hood and the Outlaws by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort

TF: Wow, you can’t swing a dead cat in here without hitting an angry sidekick--oh sorry, Speedy.

DM: Well I think this is meant to have that WildStorm like feel. It’s the only reason you include Starfire. I Can see Red Arrow hanging out with Red Hood but there are other angry also ran side kicks they could use, right?

TF: Absolutely. All-new, all-deadly versions of Wing, Dan the Dyna-Mite, and Little Boy Blue.

DM: If the JSA still existed, I know they’d use Ted Grant’s Wildcat kid. If this were a WildStom title we’d just be missing some feral cat dude with claws and a killer robot-demon. Technically maybe that’s Starfire, who also gets to be the hot, angry, space babe. She’ll have a katana to use by issue #7.

TF: Doesn’t Lobdell have the Teen Titans also?

DM: Yeah. Cross that bridge when you need to set it on fire with me in a few days.


Nightwing by Kyle Higgins and Eddie Barrows

TF: Take 2 steps back, Dick Grayson!

DM: Sigh...To be honest we all knew it was coming. The online casual readership doesn’t know fuck all about there being 2 Batmen running around. It’s just confusing to them. He goes back to being Nightwing. At least they didn’t kill him after making him one of the best characters of the last 10 years. I’m looking at you Marvel.

TF: I know, I can’t believe Marvel killed the Sentry either.

DM: Well...or Ares, the guy who killed the Sentry for that matter...


Batgirl by Gail Simone and Adrian Syaf

TF: Barbara Gordon walking again can only mean one thing: DC finally figured out they can kill Stephanie Brown a second time!

DM: No they haven’t. They don’t need anymore hate mail from the very audience they want to draw back to comics...wait...DC isn’t trying to draw girls who started reading comics Circa Y: The Last Man #1, back to comics. They are trying to attract a crowd that’s 18 - 35...which would be too young to have remembered the last time Barbara Gordon was Batgirl. Honestly, if you told anyone that the Joker had a) killed a Robin and b) crippled a Batgirl, they’d have to wonder why Batman a) didn’t just throw him in front of a train...accidentally and b) why he bothered with plucky teenagers.

TF: I’ve seen people ask you that question. You hurl a copy of Brat Pack at them.

DM: I will say this to all the people who think Oracle was the best character ever and her disability had nothing to do with why you liked her so much because you really were just into the character because she was so strong. Thank you in advance for continuing to support Gail Simone as a writer and Barbara Gordon as a character. Remember, Damian’s back was fixed in an issue after the Joker crippled him.

TF: If comics were supposed to make sense Bruce would remember where he put Shondra Kinsolving and SHE could cure Oracle.

DM: Barbara is smart and strong as shit. She can just acquire a suit that helps her physically and with her computer stuff. There. She’s then like bad ass super connected Oracle AND she’s in the field doing what she loved best, kicking ass just like everyone else. People with all sorts of disabilities, who buy comics, should be damn proud to be a fan of hers.

Catwoman by Judd Winnick and Guillem March

DM: I’m not sure what has to happen but I can’t think of anything that makes me want to buy a Catwoman comic when it lacks the names Brubaker or Cooke.

TF: I’m a little surprised the 90s Time Machine didn’t come back with Jim Balent.



Birds of Prey by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz

TF: I guess we can forget all the sociopathic killing stuff Poison Ivy used to do here in The New DC. What have we got here...Black Canary, Mecha-Katana I guess, and...is that Amazon Grace with the tattoo sleeve?

DM: I think so but we may have to wait til the book ships for confirmation. I like the lineup. It’s what I always liked about the Birds. One day a bunch of Kick Ass DC Chicks get together and have Tom Clancy like fun. What’s not to like?

TF: You know, it’s been more than 10 years since the last revamp of Black Orchid. Somehow nobody ever thought to put her in Birds of Prey?

DM: I see, you’re gonna treat this like Girl Thunderbolts right off the bat?

TF: But disguise is her thing!

DM: No one in BoP needs a disguise. They need to be themselves and crash through skylights. It’s missing Manhunter and Big Barda.

TF: Orchid’s a master of disguise AND she’s punched out Superman, so she’s better than those two combined. This isn’t rocket botany.

DM: And turned into a race of plant people or something and she’s not going to be in this book. I’d rather see more people named after birds and shit than some character the 70’s forgot that even Vertigo decided it was best to just let lay around. If you want Black Orchid, call Rick Veitch. He’ll writer her, it’ll be great, DC will get sued for something and she’ll go away again.

TF: I’m going to read this and imagine every background character is actually Black Orchid in disguise.

DM: No you aren’t. You want Black Orchid in a book you have no intention of reading just so you can declare that DC is doing it all wrong when they forget she punched out Superman. Because Orchids are Kryptonian Tough. Let it go. They’d be better off with Arrowette...Speedy...Red &Yellow Arrow Kid...or whatever her name would be once she graduates from “damaged sidekick” to “former damaged sidekick on borrowed time”.


Batwoman by those late people

TF: I stand corrected--I was also buying Rucka & Williams’ Batwoman. That said, I’m encouraged by the rumors at bleedingcool that she’s actually Black Orchid in disguise. (spoiler)

DM: You know there was only one issue of that right? This is where I see the bottleneck in DiDio claiming all books will ship on time.

TF: Well, Mr. Williams III has had an extra few months to get ready.

DM: He does comics on a schedule similar to the one Sid Vicious used for wrestling.

TF: JHWIII is active less often than Eclipso.

DM: JHWIII does comics on a schedule similar to the early acting career of Robert Downey Jr. But I assume sober.

DM: JHWIII has turned “Travis Charest” in to a verb.

TF: Fans, please contribute your ideas to Twitter, care of #JHWilliamsIsSoLate

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate Christian Alamy has a shrine to him in his basement.

TF: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate He told Brian Bolland to slow it down.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate He was rejected as a fill in artist for Battle Chasers.

TF: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate He’s working on the box art for Duke Nukem Forever.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate His variant cover for Fell #10 was turned down.

TF: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate David Finch is making #JHWilliamsIsSoLate jokes.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate Alan Moore is mad iffy about letting him work on Big Numbers.

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate Final Crisis still made sense when he started Batwoman #1

DM: #JHWilliamsIsSoLate DC scrapped plans for the Batwoman Forever series that would have shown what the 2nd issue would have been like if he were on time.

DC Relaunch: The Batbooks!

The Batman Titles:

Batman by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo
Detective Comics by Tony Daniel
Batman and Robin by Peter Tomasi and Pat Gleason
Batman the Dark Knight by David Finch and Jay Fabok

DM: Aren’t you avoiding the bat books?

TF: Folks, I have to come clean here. In the past 12 months the only DC titles I’ve paid attention to have been T.H.U.N.D.E.R., Hex, and Whatever Grant Morrison Is Doing.

DM: Well then you missed you some good Batman issues. They took place in a book called Batman and Robin and they were not written or drawn by anyone named Tony. They were GREAT! Batman did some stuff in his other books too but..well, you know, it’s Batman. Grimace, grimace and stop a serial killer here and there. There was this other book, not included in the 52 relaunch titles where Batman issues an IPO for the company of Batman and makes a fuck ton of cash. He uses it to hire some guys who look like him in Africa, Japan and South America and even has this cat in France who’s into parkour!

DM: People are really unhappy that he hired the black dude though. Apparently he’s got too much territory to cover. No one seems to care that the Argentinian dude is missing a fucking costume altogether.

DM: Nothing we say about these books will matter. It’s Batman. This shit is already sold.

TF: I see they cranked up their 90s time machine and retrieved Greg Capullo.

DM: The 90’s time machine is real. DC is filled with thoughts of how Image changed the Industry. Like imagine what would have happened if the “Image 7” were given control of the creative direction and a share of the profits of the characters they worked on...while having none of the wisdom and business sense some (Jim Lee) have now?

TF: If the time machine brings back Sovereign 7 we must call for its destruction though, agreed?

DM: I don’t think that’s a concern. Somehow I think the relaunch has no room for creator owned shenanigans.

DC Relaunch: Lanterns, Lanterns Everywhere!

The Green Lantern Books:
Green Lantern: Geoff Johns, Doug Mahnke and Christian Alamy
Green Lantern Corps: Peter J. Tomasi, Fernando Pasarin and Scott Hanna
New Guardians: Tony Bedard, Tyler Kirkham and Batt.
Red Lanterns: Peter Milligan, Ed Benes and Rob Hunter



DM: I don’t have any problems with the creative team that made Hal Jordan matter again, just staying on the book. My only request is please no more Wars of Green Lanterns. If we have less of what GL has been giving us though, I suspect that Johns may have to deal with the fact that Green Lantern normally has worse villains than Daredevil. Hal Jordan would kill to have to fight the Owl and Stilt Man.

DM: I don’t have a problem with John Stewart and Kilowog or someone heading up a GL Corps book but I do think Guy Gardner should just go and be a Red Lantern. I have never bought into the idea that he possesses great will of any kind. He’s just an angry dick.

TF: You never bought into my “Guy is Sawyer from LOST” argument?

DM: Fuck no. He’s not Sawyer. Tomar Re has a better chance of being Sawyer. Hell, Sinestro has a better chance of being Sawyer. Guy Gardner is White Masuka from Dexter. People are at least willing to side with Sawyer on a reasoned argument. No one wants to deal with Masuka.

TF: Why is there a Red Lantern book? Seems like a very 90s idea. Back then it would have been called BLOOD LANTERN EXTREME FORCE and come with a holographic pog. I tell you, some days it’s not easy being a Peter Milligan apologist like me.

DM: Because DC thinks that the message learned from Blackest Night is that we need more books about Lanterns. I don’t see this working with a hero who looks like a cross between a Sontaran and a broken lamp.

TF: And whose power is vomiting magic blood.

DM: Blood that doesn’t turn into a giant boxing glove. Why isn’t there a Red Lantern Mike Tyson? Where the hell is Rachel Pollack?

TF: Get me Bill O’Reilly on the phone. “DC’s publishing a comic about a HATE GROUP?! We’ll do it live!”

DM: Call Luda…I also thing they are just Rage-y not Hate-y.

DM: I am interested in this Tony Bedard New Guardians book. It’s got Kyle Rayner: Earth’s One True Interesting Green Lantern and a cast of hundreds!

TF: Bedard knows his space operas, that’s for sure. Hang on...Kyle Rayner AND multicolored lanterns? If they don’t form a Megazord of emotion in the first 12 pages I’m declaring it a failure.

DM: Because you just know Rayner is the one lantern who can form a giant ass Mazinga and make him use a Wave Motion Gun too.

TF: We’re the Planeteers! You can be one too!

DM: Form Blazing SWORD! OK this is looking like a region where I’ll follow GL, and the Power Rangers in Space book, but I’ll leave the Stabby Lanterns and the Green Lantern SWAT team book alone.

DC Relaunch: DC Comics Presents...a fervent hope that you like this format!

DC UNIVERSE PRESENTS

Written by Paul Jenkins
Art by Bernard Chang

TF: I happen to like anthologies, but have any sold well at all in the past 30 years? OK, technically DC’s Wednesday Comics was an anthology...

DM: Hell no and this book is another sign that someone at DC is asleep at the switch. The one thing DC didn’t really need in the last year was a title at $7.99. If you’re gonna do DC Comics Presents, just bring back the old team up title. This should be another way DC gets fans interested in its reimagined characters and history.

TF: In the olden days, team up comics like DC Presents or The Brave & The Bold were how you spotlighted up-and-coming heroes or characters that hadn’t been seen in a while. That Brave & The Bold cartoon show was created specifically to be a gateway drug into the DC universe, and it works. Tune in for Batman, then learn about Deadman, or Bronze Tiger, or how many Blue Beetles there are.

DM: Correct. Now DC seems to think we want to just read a Deadman arc and then read a Zatanna arc and then read a Dr. Fate arc...

TF: That said, it was at least wise to hire Paul Jenkins. He’s spent the past few years doing nothing but short character studies that aren’t involved with the continuity of the monthly comics.

DM: On paper that’s a maybe. I’m not sure that people are going to pay for this. Folks say they don’t want continuity but then find ways not to buy the books free of it. If DC wanted to give us a Deadman series, they should have thought of that when they came up with Brightest Day. That was a Deadman ongoing that got cancelled after 24 issues. Occasionally, Hawkman did stuff in it and there was a talking lamp. Right before Deadman could say goodbye in his own book, Swamp Thing, Aquaman, The Hawk People and Firestorm showed up to say, “We tried to make your book better but oh well, can’t get blood from a fucking stone, Deadman, see you after the relaunch!”

DM: I will say that this cover is by Ryan Sook and if he were drawing the book, I'd be all over it still!

DC Relaunch: Captain Atom...for multiversal tourism!

CAPTAIN ATOM

Written by JT Krul
Art by Freddie Williams II

TF: Somebody’s gone all “Dr. Manhattan” in more ways than one.

DM: Well to be fair, Dr. Manhattan was all Captain Atom.

TF: Captain Atom was a sleeper hit in the 80s because he was just an ordinary, relatable guy who suddenly got cosmic super powers. Putting this “isolated,” “slowly losing his humanity” stuff on him makes it “Dr. Manhattan: The Series,” and that would be a tough sell even for Alan Moore. Who’d want to sit through issue after issue of cosmic navel-gazing?

DM: In the 80’s you could get away with that. If you did it now, people would fall asleep. I’m thinking JT Krul will fall into the other cosmic guy trap. He’ll write all about how Captain Atom has to be careful of his power lest he destroy the multiverse. sigh.

TF: This is Gødland, isn’t it? Gødland but without the Kirbyness (which is the whole selling point of Gødland)?

DM: I can’t say that but there is one thing that bothers me here. The sheer number of Captain Atom relaunches. I think he’s had more books than (including Breach) Hawkman. The only thing that has ever worked for this guy is making him an order following stiff jerk on the JLU show. THAT only worked because of the characters around him. If you were concerned about Mr. Terrific’s bad guys, you need to be doubly concerned here.

TF: I bought Breach but only because Marcos Martin drew it. Should we count Takion?

DM: I don’t. I thought that was just some fake Kirby stuff.

DM: Breach brings me to my one issue with DC and it’s use of the 52 universes making up the multiverse. DC seems intent to just play around the edges of it. They won’t just flat out use it. It’s like they did the right thing by having a beloved multiverse (a sci-fi and comics staple) but they are afraid to call attention to it for fear of it being called confusing (generally by newer DC fans and Marvel fans).

DM: You can’t use the multiverse in any way that matters unless the thing out, assign it some characters, give them books and live with it. What if they want to “Dr. Manhattan” this book? So what. Shouldn’t that just be a book that takes place on Earth 4 or whatever anyway? Like what’s the point of bringing back all this Silver Age type shit if you’re really too afraid of it or too lazy to just own it?

TF: Why don’t they have an Exiles book? Did you know if Kamandi hadn’t been canceled in the 70s, they planned for him to jump to different Earths with Witchboy and Grandpa OMAC? That’s owning it.

DM: But that was like back in the day right? They’d have trashed that with Crisis on Infinite Earths and it wouldn’t have really mattered anymore. With Captain Atom they seem to want to tell stories about his VAST power. Breach did it. He’s responsible for the death of the Heartland in Kingdom Come and that’s not the end of it. Now it’s JT Krul book and I’d like this to be the point where they tour the Multiverse.

TF: It is a JT Krul book. Will Capt. Atom beat up people with a dead cat while tripping balls on heroin? Except the cat is like, the universe?

DM: That’s what this book needs to be. Let’s invent some villains for him!

TF: The Sun-f***er!

DM: What the...well seriously, why can’t he deal with Solaris the sun eating super computer. He needs an anti matter guy, a nazi scientist not over losing the race to the atom bomb, the Parasite, etc.

TF: Are the New Gods still dead? This comic could really use Metron jerking everybody around.

DM: I think they are on one of those damn Earths! Also I’m not giving JT Krul, Metron. Then folks are just gonna hate the New Gods for no reason.

TF: I’m scared Joe Casey will find this post someday and copyright “Sun-f***er.”

DM: That would be Garth Ennis. This book feels all wrong before I even read it. It’s a solid maybe. JT Krul needs a breakout moment or a JT Krul-iverse. I’d change my tune for a JT Krul-iverse. Sometimes I may not like a writer but give him his own corner of the universe to play in and I'm happy. See Joe Casey and Abnett and Lanning.

DC Relaunch: Mr. Terrific - #3 in smarts...#2 in my heart!

MISTER TERRIFIC

Written by Eric Wallace
Art by Roger Robinson

TF: The success or failure of this comic depends on one thing: world-building.

DM: Well that’s the same for everyone. Shit, Green Arrow only has 2 villains and one of those is an archer.

TF: Mr. Terrific has been the anchor of the Justice Society for more than a decade. What he doesn’t have is his own mythos the way DC’s franchise players have. They need to hit the ground running and put up a setting, supporting characters, and--most importantly--villains that are unique to him. Does he have bad guys of his own?

DM: No but he’s only been in the JSA (great cast of villains) and Checkmate (Not so much).

TF: I realize that his “Fair Play” 8-ball jacket is very dated now (he was a product of the 90s, after all), but I have a problem with these tats. From a distance they look like black armbands, and that shouldn’t happen. Up close, they remind me of the current Tattooed Man, and that shouldn’t happen either. But tattoo armbands cause a problem artistically, since there are only so many poses that will show off the words “FAIR PLAY.” From other angles his arms may spell out “FA PL” or “IR PL,” and that’s not good brand recognition. Just ditch those weightlifting gloves and write F-A-I-R-P-L-A-Y on his knuckles. That would be awesome.

DM: Nice save on what is basically you complaining about what angles you need to see a man’s biceps from. Knuckles would be cool.

DM: On the villain front, he needs them to be set up for him like all good villains are. He needs a super intelligent rival, a mindless brute, A rogue operative from his Checkmate days, a JSA villain since we don’t have a JSA, A super cheater/trickster, a villain from Terry Sloane’s past.

TF: Throw in a dude who removes tattoos with lasers and you’ve got yourself a deal.

DM: How about he can fight the Tattooed Man instead. It’s not like the tattoos matter. It’s like his mask...which looks better as an “M” than a “T”.

TF: I wondered what the hell that was. Why is the third-smartest human still painting letters on his face?

DM: I think the lesson here is that Mr. Terrific is a) smarter than us and b) capable of making solid mask innovations we scarcely understand. If this were a book about Hawk and Animal we’d never question it. Where the fuck is my Dr. Midnite ongoing in this relaunch????