Friday, July 18, 2008

13 Days of D.C.F.I.S.-mas! Part 3

Welcome back. DC First Issue Special wasn't just a place where new concepts could debut and fail. It was also a place where older characters could be dusted off and fail. I present: Metamorpho, the Element Man.

Autobots, transform and WTF IS THAT?!

Metamorpho, like the Doom Patrol and Ultra the Multi-Alien, was a response by some DC staffers to the surging popularity of Marvel's freak/monster heroes--The Thing, the Hulk, the X-Men, etc.

Most of the top brass at DC were a bit mystified by Marvel's early success. One editor--Mort Weisinger I believe--was heard to remark "I guess kids like ugly art these days."

But some forward-thinking guys at DC (Bob Haney, Bob Kanigher, Arnold Drake, and others) saw the appeal of the tragic, outsider heroes Marvel was coming up with, and attempted to work the same magic at DC.

You could say Rex Mason was the "Ben Grimm" of Silver Age DC. Running afoul of an artifact called the Orb of Ra, he was transformed into a misshapen freak with the power to change into any element. He has a troubled romantic interest in Sapphire Stagg, because (a) he's a freak; (b) Sapphire's dad, Simon Stagg, is a megalomaniac who hates Rex; and (c) Sapphire's dad's manservant is an unfrozen caveman who wants to kill Rex and take Sapphire for himself. OK, those might be the sort of tragic elements you might find in a Marvel comic. But we're putting a square peg into a round hole here, and I'll demonstrate why Metamorpho was never an A-lister among DC readers. His comics haven't been big sellers historically, and this issue--despite reuniting Metamorpho's original creative team of Bob (Teen Titans, Brave & the Bold) Haney and Ramona (Aquaman, Brenda Starr) Fradon--was no exception.

You know, originally, his power was to change into any element found in the human body, but it's a rule at DC that if you hang around long enough your power will probably increase exponentially. It's how Superman went from leaping tall buildings to pushing planets out of orbit and breaking the time barrier. It's how Wally West became the personification of velocity, Wonder Woman became Goddess of Truth, Billy Batson turned into a super-wizard, and Booster Gold became guardian of the timelines. It's what DC does.

If you can put a mask on a freak, and nobody notices, he's not much of a freak

OK, see that? Right there, Metamorpho is a pansy by the standards of Marvel heroes. He can just put a mask on! Can Ben Grimm just put a mask on? No, because he weighs like a ton and he's as wide as an SUV. Nightcrawler had a holographic image inducer, but he used it once in a blue moon. Nightcrawler ain't got nothing to hide. Put a mask on Rex Mason and bam, he blends into society. When trouble strikes, he pulls it off and assumes his secret identity of The Element Man. You know, just like damn near every other DC hero.

Side note: Are you thinking Sapphire tends to say, "Rex, honey, let's do it with the mask on."

OK, what the hell's this plot? Some ghostly Frenchman is wrecking historical landmarks in Washington DC. He's Dr. Destinee, but no relation to the JLA villain Dr. Destiny, who predates this story. During the War of 1812 he approached President James Madison with a mysterious "chemical warfare" device he found back when Napoleon invaded Egypt. Um, yeah.

And USA-France relations were forever tainted by this exchange

When the Brits burned Washington DC, Destinee was killed, but his ghost haunts the city still. He's attacking national monuments in order to distract the authorities so he can retrieve the device from its hiding place. The authorities have been pretty much powerless to stop him, so concocting an intricate plan to distract them suggests a penchant for plot-padding worthy of a Scooby-Doo villain.

Nicolas Cage IS The Element Man!

Anyhoo, in a mad chase for clues that will probably be ripped off for the plot of National Treasure 3, Rex and Destinee intercept each other at the secret hiding place only to find that Simon Stagg has beaten them to the device and is going to use it to...steal the gold out of Fort Knox?

Hi, I'm here to steal the gold. I'm sure you'll find my papers are in order.

I just want to point out that Metamorpho NEVER bothers to arrest Simon Stagg and take him to jail, EVEN when he does something like, oh I don't know, melting all the gold in Fort Knox.

Metamorpho should have let them die just for the bullion-soup joke

Dude. This isn't like the post-Crisis dynamic between Superman and Lex Luthor. Simon Stagg doesn't even bother hiding the fact that he does dangerously illegal things on a monthly basis. I mean, this seems to suggest that wealthy people are above the law or something, and we all know that's not true.

Oh, Java. Will you ever win?

Anyways, Destinee and the device are apparently destroyed in the pool of boiling gold, and Metamorpho explodes his way out by turning into flammable gas. The end.

This is exhibit number 953 of why Bob Haney is cooler than you

So where is he now?: Since this story, Metamorpho joined Batman & the Outsiders, died, came back, joined the Justice League, had a kid, died, came back, accidentally duplicated himself, and joined Batman & the Outsiders again. That may seem like a large number of deaths, but I'm told that in an upcoming issue of JLA Red Tornado will die in every third panel.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sometimes Jimmy Olsen needed his ass kicked




This is the reason why heros give their sidekicks masks and should be hangin out with normal folks. You'd never see Robin doiing this shit even for the cheap yuks.

You know why? Because Robin, as soon as he got the mask, would understand that if he ever came face to face with Uncle Adolf, he's supposed to knock him the fuck out.

Jimmy Olsen on the other hand? He lost his damn mind the second Superman gave out his cell phone number. Now you can find Jimmy off on Alien Worlds, turning into turtle people or wearing the Satanic Helmet of Hate or some other nonsense all the damn time!

Even Speedy just went and shot heroin. He didn't try to sell the shit. THAT would be a Jimmy move.

"Hey Superman's not around...I think I'll hang out with these fellows over here from the wrong side of the tracks and sell blow! Wait til Lois gets a load a me!"

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

ICv2 - Sony Targets 2011 for 'Spidey 4'

ICv2 - Sony Targets 2011 for 'Spidey 4'

Hey hey!

For those of you who hated Spidey3, you now have Spidey4 to look forward to.

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that Spider-Man producer Laura Ziskin told an audience of theater owners that the fourth installment of Spider-Man’s celluloid adventures is tentatively scheduled to debut in May of 2011. The first three Spider-Man movies currently rank as the top three comic book adaptations in terms of domestic box office success, and the three films have taken in over $2.5 billion worldwide in theatrical showings.

Ziskin told the assembled California and Nevada theater owners that Sony Pictures did not yet have a finished screenplay for the fourth Spidey saga, but writers are working on the project and she is hopeful that things will fall into place. Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi have not been signed for the film, but Sony Pictures “has paid Marvel to renew its rights” to the character.

The Spider-Man movie franchise has clearly been so successful that Sony isn’t going to walk away from it, but mounting a fourth film presents a lot difficulties and could be a very expensive proposition, especially in terms of personnel both in front of and behind the camera. Aside from money the key to reuniting the hugely successful Spider-Man team is a good script--after first indicating that he was walking away from the franchise after Spider-Man 3, Tobey Maguire has said that he could be tempted to return if there was a great script.

If things do fall into place for Spider-Man 4, a May 2011 date could still be dicey since that is the month picked by Marvel Studios for the release of its Captain America movie (see “Iron Man Sequel in 2010”). While there is no guarantee that either film will ready for a May, 2011—if they are, it could result in a very interesting game of debut date “chicken.”


Now I don't know what's left after having Venom and Sandman shoe horned into part 3 so you'd better get ready for both a huge dose of creeping gigantism as Spiderman fights Mysterio, the Lizard, The Rhino, TheVulture and the Chameleon all at the same time.

He'll do it while dating the Black Cat, driving the Spidermobile, wearing the Spider Armor and solving the mystery of his clone, Ben Reilly, played by one of the guys from the Office.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Destro: Sexy Beeatch!



Now this is what any self respecting terroristic arms dealer needs to be wearing. Any man dressed like this can probably make the hell out of a HISS tank or those swank one man helicopter jobs.





Christopher Eccleston, I'm lookin at you!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Questions for the Producers of the New G.I. Joe Movie


1. Um, yeah, that guy? Not exactly giving off a "Destro" vibe.

2. Heavy Duty? HEAVY DUTY?! Are you kidding me? I'm going to ask the same question kids across America asked when the character of Heavy Duty debuted back in 1991:

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ROADBLOCK?

For those unfamiliar with the G.I. Joe roster, the post of heavy machine gun expert was filled by two enormous black men with shaved heads. You could tell them apart because Roadblock was the one with a personality and an interesting backstory and tremendous popularity among the fans, and Heavy Duty had NOTHING.

Never mind the uproar over rumors of the downplaying of the Joes' American-ness, the "international strike force headquartered in Switzerland" angle, and the casting of Marlon Wayans in an action movie. You sumbitches picked Heavy Duty over Roadblock, and I ain't havin' it.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Watchmen Video Journal

Ok for those of you STILL not on board with the Watchmen movie, here's a video Journal from JoBlo over at JoBlo.com

Feel it damn you!

http://www.joblo.com/video/player.php?video=Watchmen_480

If I hear one more complaint, the gloves come right off!

Doc M

Monday, May 5, 2008

Iron Man News - Animated and otherwise



Compiled by Banana Oil:
Iron Man 2 (duh) was announced for 2010. The masterplan also includes Thor and Captain America films, all leading into the big Avengers movie.

Between now and 2010 are smaller Marvel projects: the Wolverine solo movie and Punisher 2: War Zone.

Making the cable and syndication rounds will be new series of X-Men, Hulk, and Iron Man toons, and the recently announced Black Panther cartoon for BET.

The 90s Iron Man and Spider-Man series have been bought up by Toon Disney, which means they're sure to make a play for the 90s X-men series soon.

In the direct to dvd animation department: Next Avengers (all-new concept--sons and daughters of the Avengers vs. Ultron), Planet Hulk, and the very underappreciated comic Thor: Son of Asgard ("The Adventures of Thor...When He Was a Boy!(tm)") are the next wave of dvds.