Friday, June 15, 2007

The Black Super Villains Union

I'm posting this to adderess a little know issue in the world of comics: The plight of the Black Super Villain.

I know what everyone is thinking and, yes, the thread at Newsarama did get up to a bajillion pages but out of all of that indignation and bile spewing come this true account of why it is not just any mean spirited Black Man can be a a Black Super Villain.

The Black Super Villain Union

It's the organization any self respecting Black man who wanted to be known for his evil deeds and be respected by more than just himself, would have to join.

The problem is, that it is not run my Lex Luthor, who, contray to his pigment in the JLU cartoon and his bald head and deep voice, IS NOT BLACK.

It's also not run by Apocalypse, who may or may not be Egyptian but who is certainly never actually claimed to be Black.

It can only be run by one man:

Moses F'N Magnum!

Yes there may be some subtext in that picture but subtext is the very nature of the Black Super Villain. How isa brotha supposed to take over the world if all of his social statements are made by screaming. Sometimes you just have to stand behind a giant phallic podium and...expound...

I digress.

Now it's clear to me that Moses was based in another ruler of industry, Maurice White of Earth Wind and Fire fame. Look:

The wisdom of my statement cannot be denied...

Moses has a right hand man at Union meetings. That man is more than likely Mr. Fish.

Mr. Fish gets the job because he has...well he looks crazy but he makes up for it by packing heat and choking a bitch, who may be bulletproof on a roof top.

Moses magnum takes application and he and Mr. Fish review them. I think it goes somethink like this:

Moses: NEXT!!!!

(cue the bumper music from Soul Train)

In walks Thunderball, of the Wrecking Crew---

MM: And just who in the hell are you supposed to be?
Thunderball: My name is Thunderball.
MM: Fish? You got a Thunderbell on your list?
Mr. Fish: Naw boss. Aint got no...Thunderbell on my list
TB: Thats Thunder-Ball. Like the James Bond Film...I'm in the Wrecking Crew.
MM: You a spy?
TB: No I'm not a spy. I'm a black Super villain. Like you.
MM: Like ME??? Are you the Leader of the Wrecking Crew?
TB: No, That's the Wrecker. I'm highly educated. I'm like the Black Bruce Banner.
MM: The Black Who? Is the Wrecker Black? Get him in here if he's got his own crew. That's built in labor as far as I'm concerned. I like to see a brotha sun contractin...
MF: He's the Black Bruce Jenner Boss. And the Wrecker is White. He fought Thor. Hits folks with a Crowbar. Wears a ski mask.
MM: What? Bruce Jenner? The Wheaties dude from when I was a shorty?
TB: Banner! Bruce Banner!!! The Incredible Hulk! I am as smart as that guy.
MF: I know someboby need to slow they roll up in this piece, that all I know. Walkin round here dressed like The Uncola and shit...
MM: Mr. Ball...Can I ask you a question?
TB: Oh sure, Anything.
MM: You hang around with a crew of guys lead by a white boy in a ski mask carryin a crowbar and it says right here in this update I got from Black Manta, that your last known stompin grounds was tryin to take over Canada.
TB: Yeah...
MM: Well the Hulk was a member of the Avengers for like a hot minute and then he decided after about an hour of their WASPish nonsense that he was better off raisin hell on his own.
TB: Yeah...
MM: You're the Black Who again because I don't think the Hulk is botherin with Canada or the Foot Clan or whoever the hell yall supposed to be. My official ruling is to hold off on this application until...well until yall get some damn sense. Fish, get this fool up outta here.
MF: Bout damn time. NEXT!!!
Next up: Rocket Racer and Man Ape.....

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