You know what’s been bothering me about the Iraq War? I think its being badly mismanaged on all fronts. A nation that can put a man on the moon before the advent of 1st Edition Dungeons and Dragons, ought to be able to win a war in the desert no matter who started it or how trumped up the reason was.
It no longer matters who attacked who and who won “Initiative”. All that matters now is that there are Experience Points to be gained for our boys and they must be supported.
This shouldn’t be that hard…
Why can't the army just send in a team of adventures with a few 12th level Clerics and a 10th level Mage or two. The Clerics can cast flame strike AND cure the 8th level Rangers they are sending in + they can wear armor that's good for deflecting small arms fire. The Mages can cast “Cloudkill” which will take care of any conscripted Axis of Evil mooks that neo-Sadaam can send out there and at 10th level, that's like a maxed out fireball waiting to happen.
The Rangers we send could have Favored Enemy: “the Poor”, and just wade in there and beat ass. They'd get like at least 3 attacks every 6 seconds. In melee, that's pretty good especially if they have some enchanted weapons or at least the shit they give to Navy Seals.
This war would be over in no time.
The party goes in using identities created for them by the Rogues on the team who have levels in the Spy Master Prestige class and then they hit a bar and wait for it to get all Fullujah or something. Take a desert Barbarian or two with you.
I suggest Half American, Half Turk. The Turks are still pissed about a whole lot of shit and then when they rage, they will be getting critical hits on Insurgents left and right. I also suggest at least one 7th level Desert Druid. Someone cool like that dude from the mummy. It's a sure bet that the insurgents will have some of those Palestinian cats who can't wait to blow some shit up with IEDs and you may need someone who can summon a “Dire Camel” with horns and a trample attack just to kill that noise. I'd suggest 4 armed monkeys with Machetes but I don't think druids can summon them. The wizards could but they'd be too busy casting “Evard’s Black Tentacles” in the town square.
This whole war is some bull shit. Let me DM it and it's fucking over and Wired Magazine can get back to showing me the flying car of the fucking future. It runs on garbage like lawn cuttings and orange peels and shit. Right now they have stories about the “Weapons of the Future” and what not. We need “Weapons of the Past” like “Vorpal Swords of Sharpness” and that bad ass “Sun Blade” from the “Ravenloft” adventure back in 2nd Edition D and D. I bet if Colin Powell had a “+3 Sword of Wounding”, he’d be knee deep in sand right now beating ass and building an infrastructure my children could take advantage of someday.
I also promise that when the “Brave Companions” or the “51st Airborne Arcane Knights” or whatever, get to...wherever it is that the treasure that “W” is looking for is, there would be some cool shit there. Sure, they'd have to fight like a “Marilith” or two along the way and probably a Rakshasa (or maybe Djinn since we strive to be ethnically sensitive) but there'd still be decent swag to haul out. None of this oil type shit or bolts of cloth and artistic treasures. We already have a system for getting that out with just standard conquered city looting tactics.
I'm talking about Artifacts like the “Hand of Vecna” or the “Machine of Lum the Mad” or a “Staff of Ancient Penumbra.”
If “W” isn't running the war like that (and it looks like he isn’t) then really, folks should just hire a Dungeon Master who will and be done with it. American cannot afford to take critical hit after critical hit and fail saving throw after saving throw. It’s time the game were run by folks who could get us results and have our boys back home and in therapy by GenCon, like my Saturday D and D group.